The Funniest Profile

This profile had me laughing hysterically!


I own a very successfull events company in Manchester. some of the gigs i have put on Include the enemy, Rev and the makers and Ocean colour scene..If you dont like live gigs and festivals WE WONT GET ON .... If a good man is hard to find, is a hard man good to find.. You bad girlies. I am looking for some one who is rock and roll that is rock and roll, not slang for on the dole, must have a sense of humour but not be able to trump louder than me,.. No women over size 14 as i dont like fat women, sorry, there is no excuse for it you werent born fat so why become fat.When did bubbly mean overweight as well? I love indie music, stone roses, oasis, weller, kasabian, etc etc , If you like RnB we wont get on,but i love old motown and soul, and ealy hip hop.. just modern RnB is shocking... just got back from living in dubai and may go back at some point,, bloody freezing here aint it.. So if you aint fat good looking got a sense of humour and are a nymphomaniac who can cook i will allow you to message, And If you have an old relative with lots of money message me .. ha.. and girls stop sticking your tongue out in pictures thats sexual frustration...I am also wrongly attracted to Lilly Allen.... all done in the best pooooosssssssibbbbbllllleeeeeeee taste... If ya tlk dik tis, go and search for the missing letters on your keyboard, coz i dunna no wht u syin in it ... MORONS.. Also women on here who say back by popular demand or i couldnt keep away.. ahhh so you were dumped love..And if i see another profile that says i dont bite, well unless you want me too.. YAWN MCYAWN and another pet hate IF CARSLBERGS MADE GIRLFRIENDS.... it would have to be you yes love as I would have to drink 10 carlsbergs to even contemplate you....Latest update, Girls you stretch their neck out in their pictures to stop their 14 chins showing, it just looks like your straining for a poo..


First date ten benson a wimpey and a knee trembler round the back of the working mens club after a quick half.. I know your wet already, but yes these dates do exist not just a fantasy or a mills and boons novel. So put on your best wellies and xmas jumper and lets get the dabbers out all in 5 pound a line, gala bingo loving it

The Three Peaks Challenge

Why couldn't they have chosen the 3 pints challenge instead, that would be much easier!

Well if I'm going to give it a go, it is for Charity after all, I need to seriously get fit so that I can avoid my second hip replacement. The first hip replacement came after I decided to walk 18 miles of the Pennine Way and I can still hear myself shouting "get me a fucking taxi I can't walk any further". The air ambulance wouldn't come and get me so I was dragged kicking and screaming to the finish line. I did feel quite proud of myself for doing it even if I couldn't walk for a week after but it taught me a valuable lesson. Don't embark on these things without getting off your arse and building up to it first!

And so the quest begins! I have decided to walk, swim, cycle, do exercise classes and at a push go to the gym!

My efforts so far.

Mon 21st Feb - went to join the local leisure centre. Wow that didn't hurt! Well it stung a bit £45 a month.

Tues 22nd Feb -  walked to Tesco 20 mins each way. Wished I'd remembered I was walking when I decided to buy the whole of Tesco. Another lesson learned.

Wed 23rd Feb - Hydro fit - the class from hell. Just because I said I don't like getting my hair wet why did he have to pick on me. I'm sure he kept jumping in at the side of me just to make sure it did. Come on push it he kept shouting at me. I couldn't help it, I had to tell him "Leave me the fuck alone and go pick on someone else". He had the cheek to pat me on the back when I got out of the pool and say well done. When asked if I enjoyed it - answer "NO". When asked if I'd be back next week - answer "NO"

Thurs 24th Feb - Was supposed to do Hydro Box with the same bloke. Guess what? Yes I cancelled that one and walked to Tesco again.

Fri 25th Feb - Gym induction. Errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr I hate gyms!!!!!!!

Sat 26th Feb - Walked to leisure centre 30 mins, swam for 30 mins, walked back and called at Mrs O's for a brew on route. Then busted some moves on the dance floor until 4am.

Sun 27th Feb - so far I have managed to stagger from the hotel room for breakfast and back again. I must have busted some serious moves on the dance floor because my hips, legs and feet are killing me. My head hurts too but I think the Asti, JD and coke, Kir Royale, Strawberry Daiquiri and Jager Bombs are to blame for that. Intended exercise for today - turning over.

Another week will soon begin!

Back to how nature intended it to be done

This is just a quick post as I'm off to sunnier climates tomorrow, well actually I've been told it's pissing it down there too but being the eternal optimist my flip flops and sunglasses are packed. Unfortunately it's not for pleasure but it will be a welcome relief to get off the online dating site.

This month I have received 300+ emails and the most common question I get asked is "Why is a nice girl like you on here?" In fact one bloke referred to the dating site as the Star Wars Bar and I can't help but agree. So I have decided to give it a break and let nature take it's course.

Although I may joke that I need a husband and my ovaries are screaming to be fertilised, or so my friend Mrs O keeps telling me, I would prefer to find my fairytale natures way, however long that may take I am happy to wait.

I might still have to have a sneaky peak though to keep my blog going and I promise I will keep you posted as I still have some updates to finish.

Honesty is always the best policy?

I must confess I haven't put much effort into writing my online profile but I try to be as honest as possible. I figured if they don't like the pic they won't bother reading about me but I am tempted to update it as follows and see what responses I get.

Likes - in no particular order

Holidays - hot or cold, anywhere and everywhere
Buying shoes
Gerard Butler
Deloreans
Hair straighteners
S Club 7- Don't Stop Moving (my guilty pleasure)
Fish finger and mushy pea butties (it's a Northern thing and white bread only)
Winning at scrabble
Two penny falls at the sea side, once I'm on them you can't get me off
The X Factor
Not getting dressed on a Sunday if I don't have to
A sleepy shag on a Sunday morning when you can't be arsed to put the effort in but it's still really nice
Sucking cock
Watching the sand slip from beneath your toes when you go paddling
Wearing flip flops and eating ice cream and doughnuts
Jack Daniels and coke with a bag of kettle crisps
Chick Flicks
Singing (and sometimes I hit the right note)
Wrinkle creams and being asked for ID
Having my feet and arms tickled
Afternoon snoozes
Laughing

Dislikes - in no particular order

Losing at scrabble
Beetroot
Bungee jumping, sky diving or anything else that may involve me breaking my neck
Being woken up, it makes me grumpy like a bear
Hangovers
Being sick
Bats and rats
Filling up with petrol
Giving BJ's before breakfast, you have to be really special for that
Being spanked
Sitting next to someone on a plane that hogs the armrest
Fingers between my toes or in my belly button
Being cold and miserable

I think I sound quite normal but I'm beginning to think that normal is the new abnormal in this virtual world. I keep getting asked why I am on a dating website and I am beginning to wonder myself?  I only want nice, honest and normal, someone to make me laugh and keep me interested. Am I asking for too much?

I do feel a bit sorry for the normal men on there too (although there doesn't appear to be many) after speaking to a male friend the other day who has done a spot of online dating when I heard the following story.
He had a couple of dates with a girl and decided to invite her back to his place and meet his flat mate. She admitted to my friend that she also liked his flatmate and then asked him if she could go out with him on Tuesday, his flatmate on Wednesday and decide who she liked the best and then they could take her out on Saturday. WTF???????????? I suppose at least she was being honest!!!

One of his mates who had been on a dating website for 5yrs finally flipped after having enough of meeting women who looked nothing like their pictures etc, and told the last one he met "to fuck off you ugly fat cunt".  Maybe he was being a touch too honest!!!

What do you think? Is honesty always the best policy? All comments welcome.

Just had to share todays funniest messages

Message 1

Don't panic. I'm just too ugly for you anyway.

However...

Are you finding that some on here like setting up phantom dates then they just........

You just don't hear anymore a few days before or on the day.

I knew them X-Files bods were right.

All the best ruby2169
x

Message 2

Im leezyverpunk
May not be a hunk
Nor a giraffe
But I am a reet laugh
So get in touch
Cant promise too much
But you will have a good time
(hopefully better than this rhyme) - lol

=;')

Why I should listen to my mum

My mum is always telling me I am either too shallow or too choosy.
But in this virtual world of online dating the only thing you have to go on is a thumbnail picture, from which you cannot see the cheeky glint in someones eyes or their personality that shines through and makes your heart melt.
So when Mrwellaboveaverage sent me the following message " Hi there! you look just like what the doctor ordered!.... fancy a chat x" with the picture below attached I admit I was a little bit shallow because I didn't actually like what I read in his profile but I replied "A chat would be nice". Lame I know but sometimes I just can't be arsed.

And this is what I got back!

Hi there Ruby!, just reading your profile....."It's a mans world....etc", well that's the first thing we disagree on!

Lol....how can it be a mans world under the present bias in the dating/partner selection process?

I mean if my profile was a bit less indicative of financial status, I can guarantee you would not have even bothered to reply to my message (although you will disagree and say you would have....... nonsense of course)

Women have always got the choice to select what partner they choose, men very rarely do (surely, at your age you should recognise that fact?), that's why you see so many rich or even middle class types who are just plain looking or even down right ugly with classy looking women, it's all about status isn't it?

Although obvious fact that illustrates this perfectly is the phenomenon of prostitution, how come guys are the ones buying sex/affection (with some poor souls the sex is the closest they get to actual love and tenderness).....it's very rarely women who buy sex.

Look, just face facts, all decent looking women are self interested, egocentonic, heartless ****es.

You would never date a guy who was good looking and earned significantly less money then you but you would expect a guy to earn MORE then you  or else you wouldn't have any thoughts of a relationship with him would you?

What's your thoughts on this Ruby?

xx

Well my first thoughts Mrwellaboveaverage are what a wanker! Usually a name like that would have put me off.

I didn't waste my time replying but what the fuck is that all about. I don't like being judged by someone  I have not even spoken to and have only exchanged five words with "A chat would be nice".  I have never been in a relationship with anyone who earns more then me and I considered them all to be attractive but in different ways. I am happy with the fact that I can take care of myself financially. How much someone earns has no relevance to me. What I want from a relationship runs much deeper then that. I would rather be poor and happily in love with someone who inspires and excites me then with some boring arsehole with a healthy bank balance. 

So Mrwellaboveaverage what I'd really like to say to you if you hadn't already deleted your profile is FUCK OFF!!!!!!!!!!!

So mum I am sorry I went on the picture alone and I will try harder not to judge a book by it's cover but you don't have to look at some of the monsters that email me!

TMM - my first date part 1

My first date actually made it to 3 dates, 5 nights in Ireland and 1 more date after so I'm going to turn this into a trilogy.

For some reason I do not want to ridicule this one. Is it because he made a mark on my world as well as my knickers? He had a strange effect on me down below but I'll go into that a bit later and he was a nice introduction back into the world of dating. It didn't go without any hiccups though and I would hope that if he reads this, he can see the humour in it.

After a spell of text tennis we finally met on a Monday night and to sum him up I said to my friend Miss V "He's quite tasty with nice teeth and lips, made me laugh but a bit laddy." Making me laugh is one of the most important boxes to tick, second to making me come. Sorry only joking but I can't help myself. Football's not so high on my tick list but I've done cricket, golf, fishing and F1 so I could give it a go. Only later did I find out that it would include darts as well.
I came away thinking I'm not sure he's the one but I'm not sure he's not which is about as frustrating as when my batteries run out and the shop's shut. Despite some reservations there was something that intrigued me so I agreed to keep Saturday night free.

Oh and I forgot to mention one significant factor - he drove a silver car! Did this make him the one?

And the message from AJ my dating adviser just about sums up what happened next.
"Fucking keep Saturday free? What keep it free so that you can wait around for a text from his highness?!!! WTF?! Is he waiting for a better offer then?

You see after Tuesday the texts dried up and I got no reply from one I sent him on the Wednesday so "TMM" then became known as "The Bastard from B......" or "The Gay Cock".

Something wouldn't let me leave it there. Was it the lure of the silver car or the free tea (that's Northern for evening meal) I never got. Anyway whatever it was something compelled me to send a message back through the website asking if he had thrown me back into the shark infested waters. This led to a second date, a ride in the silver car and the free tea. Oh and lets not forget the snog on my doorstep leading me to send this message to my dear friend Miss B just because I could see the look on her face when she read it.
Me - Hi, been out with TMM tonight, had a snog and I know it's wrong but I'm dripping down there lol xxx

Miss B - Errrrrr that's gross. Too much info and I hope you didn't tell him it might put him off lol xxx

Was it so strange? At least I'd had a snog to make that happen. The worst thing is it happened every time I got a text from him and I'm sure that's not normal and has never happened to me before. I wouldn't have minded if the texts were even the slightest bit dirty. When he called me hot pants it wasn't far from the truth. It gave the girls at work a giggle, they nearly wet their pants. Well I had to confide in someone I was getting worried.

So our second date ended with a snog on my doorstep and me? Well the less said about that the better?

And so on our third date we booked 5 nights in Ireland and you can hear all about that in part 2!